The Hyuuga Clan Meets its Match
by mothcatcher
Summary: A puff of smoke and some lightning, and an owl turned into a very strange-looking man, wearing the most obscene pants anyone in Konoha had ever seen, including Gai-sensei's jumpsuit. TOTAL CRACK.


**Author's Note:** Okay, so... *ahem* yeah. I'm officially addicted to crack. (haha) I'd like to thank Jhonen Vazquez, Regina Spektor, and all the crack fic writers out there for inspiring me to write something completely and utterly ridiculous.

Disclaimer: I do not own Labyrinth or Naruto.

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><p>The Goblin King was very irritated. Indeed, so irritated, he decided to throw Haggard ("It's <em>Hoggle<em>!") into the deep end of the Bog of Eternal Stench and watch him drown, which he did, eventually. Quite loudly, in fact. ("_Please, your majesty, don't! I'll make it up to you! I'm begging you to spare me! PLEASE! AGH! MY SPLEEN! NO! THINK OF THE CHILDR-AAGHHgglubglubglub._)

"D-d-don't you think that was a b-bit rash, Majesty?" squeaked the king's adviser.

"No. I'd say maybe it was cruel, sadistic, even wicked. Not rash, although it would seem you have one on your… well, all over. Why do you ask, Skittlebum?"

"Spittledrum," he chirped back.

"I don't care," Jareth said, frowning at his old manicure. Watching the traitor die slowly had somewhat lifted his spirits, but he was still unsatisfied with his current situation. He had really been looking forward to toying with the stupid human girl for the rest of her life, but the little rugrat had cheated. What an infuriating little creature. Since the Goblin King didn't want to hear the name 'Sarah' ever again, he rechristened her Mary-Sue.

And now it was time to find a new source of entertainment.

He looked deep into his crystal to find possible candidates, rejecting many girls, (including a very ordinary girl living in Forks, Washington, and a certain teen pop-star who could use a lesson in humility, both who reminded him all too much of Mary-Sue) and decided to search a different dimension. About 246 girls later, approximately 32.74pi seconds, he stumbled across a dark-haired beauty with pearly white eyes like the moon, and knew this was his girl.

Now, on to his favorite part: stalking, obviously.

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><p>It was a normal night for the Hyuuga household. Neji muttered to himself about destiny and the Branch family. Hiashi yelled at Hinata to train harder if she wanted to be a decent ninja. Hinata broke down and cried, then took out her kunai, not to train, and not to kill herself, but to carve Naruto's face on a tree. Same as every night.<p>

Until Neji found an odd book on the doorstep.

The title was 'Labyrinth'. He picked it up and flipped through it briefly. "Hn... How vapid." Outside, an owl fell off it's branch and shuffled around indignantly until it found its spot again. "Hanabi-sama, is this yours?"

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><p>A few days and many occurrences of taunting, angry muttering, weeping, *naruto-ing and verbal abuse later...<p>

"Did she say it?"

"Shhh!"

An angry mutter (the kind not intended to be heard) was indeed heard from inside the crystal. "Tch, well, I wish the goblins would come and take_ you_ away right now..."

And, as they say, the crowd goes wild.

"_She said the words!_" In Jareth's throne room, goblin-cronies started to shout and laugh and jump and dance-magic-dance around a very confused Hyuuga child.

A puff of smoke and some lightning, and an owl turned into a very strange-looking man, wearing the most obscene pants anyone in Konoha had ever seen, including Gai-sensei's jumpsuit.

Jareth looked down maliciously at his beloved new toy, which was now peering at him in a most unflattering way.

"Hello, Neji."

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><p>Neji sprang into a fighting position and activated Byakugan out of sheer instinct. "What kind of ninja are you?" He tried to take the strange shinobi seriously, after all, never underestimate an unfamiliar opponent. However, the man looked ridiculous. He tried to hide the incredulity from his voice, and almost succeeded.<p>

"Oh no, love," Jareth said with a seductive snicker. "I'm Jareth, the Goblin King."

Furrowing his brow, Neji tried again to take the odd creature in front of him seriously, and failed. Expressionless as ever, he decided to ignore the absurdity of the last comment and ask the 'king', "And why are you here...?"

"Well, as you may have noticed, I took your little sister, or cousin or whatever." Jareth sighed impatiently. Why wasn't this girl reacting to his utter sexiness and intimidating demeanor?

Neji actually hadn't noticed. She was always so quiet... but indeed. Even with Byakugan, she was nowhere to be found. How did that guy _do_ that? "Why did you take her? What do you want?"

Jareth placed a hand on his chest and widened his eyes innocently. "Me? _You're_ the one who said you wanted me to take her away! I am doing only as _you_ asked."

"..." Neji blinked. His brain seemed to have crashed. Jareth waited patiently for the child's brain to reboot.

Finally, he managed to whisper, "_what._"

The Goblin King sighed. "You said, and I quote, 'I wish the goblins would come and take you away right now.' So I am here to grant that wish. " He smiled malevolently.

"_I was **mocking** her._" Neji's face had regained its composure and his expression was serious and slightly cautious, like how a doctor might talk to an escaped mental patient while trying to give him a tranquilizer.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I wasn't talking to you when I said that. I wasn't talking to anyone. I was muttering angrily to myself, as always. You have no business eavesdropping on my conversations with myself." He was trying to make himself as clear as possible, but the words came out sounding rather peculiar. He frowned.

"Aha. Well, I'm afraid I have a strict policy of No Takesies Backsies. So... if you want her back, you'll have to come and get her..."

"_No take-_!" Neji took a deep breath and rubbed his temples. This had to be the dumbest, most bizarre and ridiculous moment in his life. "Look, you can't just _take_ Hinata. She's a Hyuuga. She is _the_ Hyuuga heir!" He said, then thought with a smirk, _That is, until I beat her with mah skillz..._

"'You can't take her'? I _just did._"

"I-... Just-... You-..." Neji was at a loss for the first time since being beaten by Naruto.

"_I am the Goblin King. _You can't get out of this. So, come and find your friend... or leave her in my_ capable hands._" That last part was spoken with a grin which carried very nasty implications. Neji gagged.

What does one _do_ in this kind of situation? He could fight the man, but even if he won, he still probably wouldn't give Hinata back. Neji looked back on all the scenarios with Gai-sensei and Lee in which he had to deal with their shenanigans. Compared to this, those seemed so normal. Acceptable, even. With a sigh, Neji realized he'd have to do the thing he hated more than anything, more than the mark on his forehead, more than the curry of life, which was...

...to play along.

Brows furrowed, jaws tensed, mouth rigid, he heaved a great sigh reminiscent of someone about to perform seppukku, and uttered, "Just... What do I have to do?"

"Get through my labyrinth and to my castle in the center of the Goblin City."

"Hn." At this point he didn't bother being surprised.

"_Per_fect!" Jareth crooned. "You have thirteen hours. If by the end you haven't arrived at my castle to claim Hinata, I get to keep both of you... Or maybe just you. I haven't decided."

Neji stood corrected. Trying to stay calm, trying not to think about spending an eternity with this creature, not to mention leaving Konoha and his ninja training, he spoke in a soft but deadly tone, "_Why. Why are you doing this_."

Jareth laughed condescendingly and reached out to stroke Neji's beautiful hair (the boy cringed but did nothing to stop it except eviscerate the King with his eyes). "Because, my dear, it's _FUN_! Now, good luck! Not that it matters!" He cackled and disappeared before Neji could say "Fuck."

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><p>*Naruto: verb. to draw, take sneaky photos, drool over said candid shots, carve pictures or names into trees and other such items, or in any way stalk the boy known as Uzumaki Naruto.<p> 


End file.
